i avoid going to bed. i avoid sleep the best i can. because that means i will finally relax, breathe and involuntarily allow my brain to think freely. and i can’t do that. i can not do that because as soon as the thoughts start flowing, you jump right into the stream and swim with them where ever they go. and i can’t do that, i can’t go through that and yet i have to every night. because i can’t lock you out, i can’t find the off-switch. you’re just. there. all the god damn time, god, sometimes i get so mad at you because you won’t leave me alone. because you keep pushing the tears out of my eyes as if it was your favourite thing to do.
so i built an area. in my head. a small little room that i invented. and i locked you in there the best i could. only that there is no key but i have to constantly, constantly hold the door shut. with the entirety of my body weight i press and press against it so it won’t burst open. so you won’t slip out. in every spare second, every lonely moment, every short break – i push. and push. and you push back. it’s a constant fight. because i can’t allow myself the fantasies or the memories. because i need to get over you. i needed to get over you months ago. but dear, you still have my fucking heart in your hands and you could literally do anything you pleased. anything. i have no dignity left, none whatsoever, it has all gone to shreds, leaving me a mess that i never wanted to be.
so i keep you in the restricted area. every day i push. sometimes you escape and i have to get you back. and until i find a way to chain you up it’ll always be you and me playing this game.