IN THE BEGINNING

there used to be nothing. or maybe there used to be everything. who really knows what there was in the beginning. scientists say there was emptiness. barely anything. and then out of nowhere, anything disappeared. one could say that out of so much nothing, something was found. just like when the scilence gets so loud that you actually make a noise. maybe it was just too silent for the nothing. it simply wanted to have – something.

maybe the nothing shows similarities to human nature. maybe atoms decided that solely existing for themselves wasn’t good enough. maybe they got bored. wanted somebody to play with. i know i sound childish. but if you consider the entirety of the universe (although we can’t even be sure that the universe itself can even be described as entirety) being childish doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.

after all, i am a big supporter of picasso’s phrase:

“everything you can imagine is real.”

a lot of people have told me that this sentence doesn’t make any sense. i get why they would say that. although, it does make me sad when they do. because they clearly don’t understand what reality means. reality isn’t just there. it’s not an entity that exists by and for itself. it’s not a movie that we watch. because we are the movie. we’re the protagonist and the villain and the unimportant sidecharachter all at once. we’re not at all the watcher. no one ever watches reality. everybody always acts as if reality was the same for everyone.

it’s not.

how could it be? just think about it. you have a brain. and i have a brain. our brains are not alike. we might share certain things such as language and believe. but we have entirely different minds still. that’s what makes us different eventually. that’s what makes me me and you you. so, if we consider that fact, that means that i live in a different reality from yours, you have your world and i have mine. it gets kind of dark and lonely the more you think about it. because if we continue this thesis, we have to ask the question: i might be real – but are you? how do i know that you exist? i don’t even know that i exist. i can only believe so judging by the pain and joy i feel. it would be very odd if something that didn’t exist actually felt. but how do i know if you feel? you can tell me. but that’s all you can do after all. you could just lie to me.

people love lying. they do it all the time. they shape their own reality the way they want it to be because they think it’s going to be better. what they don’t get is that lying never helps your own reality. because it’s not true after all. you only tell the lies to other people (who you don’t even know surely to exist of) so they think that your reality is much more interesting or happy than it is. but what does it matter to you?

maybe atoms just wanted somebody to lie to. maybe they wanted somebody to look at their reality. because the stuggle of not knowing whether you exist or not is even greater when you don’t even have someone that watches you. or at least someone you think of to be watching you. if you play a movie in a cinema and nobody’s watching – what’s the point?

unless of course you believe that everything you can imagine is real. if we continue the thought that we are all alone, that i am the only person in this universe that has their own reality – then my reality is all there is. everyone and everything else is merely an imagination of my fantasy. like a character in a book. they never existed and they never will exist. so, if that is in fact the case: everything you can imagine

is real.

although, that theory has a bitter aftertaste to it if you ask me. because then again .. what really is the point? i get it, you can pretty much imagine anything and everything you want. but why? why bother? after all, you will eventually die. and who knows, maybe after you die you discover that the life you lived oh so isolated in your own reality was simply a dream. maybe there is a matrix after all. maybe you wake up, just like the atoms did, and you realize that there is so much more to living than just your perspective.

maybe then you see that you’re not alone and you never have been. you always thought that you were the only one existing in your own mind but what if your own mind is actually just a tiny little fractal in a huge puzzle. and all you need to do was

die.

not to be suicidal. don’t get me wrong. i think that living the life i am living is pretty decent. i myself can deal with living solely in my own head. i like my own head. not always but that’s okay. i’m at home in my brain and i don’t see a problem with that. i know that death is inevitable. i will die. my brain will turn off. but will my mind? i bet the atoms thought that they wouldn’t survive the big bang as well. but they did. and their life now is even more beautiful.

they had known only nothing. silence. that was their reality. and then they died. and now they are part of something so big that they themselves have grown almost insignificant. yet nothing could ever exist without them.

that’s what i want my reality to be. i want to be small. and silent. and nothing. and then i want to explode and become part of something big and terrifyingly beautiful. just like in the beginning.

 

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