it’s an odd process, falling in love. you never really notice it and when you do, you’re in too deep already. you’re hopeless.
first, you spend a lot of time with the person. you like them, they’re great and lovely and you are glad that you met a mutual. if you’re lucky they might even think just alike you, laugh at your jokes and be funny themselves. you are glad to have them.
and then you feel it. for the first time since you met you suddenly feel that pull in your gut. that feeling of your stomach getting very heavy all of a sudden. you tell yourself ‘no, that’s nothing. i just like this person alot, i’m just excited to have found a new good friend’. you keep telling yourself that for a few days but instead of only smiling when you’re with them, you now smile when they’re not even there. because all of a sudden, without you even noticing, they are in your head. they have latched onto your brain like a parasite in the best and worst way possible.
every thought becomes them. every worry becomes them. you push it aside, you repress it, you try to lock them out but there’s no exit to your brain, only an enterance. it’s a one-way. and that’s when you realize.
you have fallen. and you still are. falling deeper in the most painfully slow way and there’s nothing, no force in the entierity of the universe, that could stop your fall. love is like gravity but without a ground. you just keep falling down.
you ask yourself ‘am i just infatuated with them?’ and you want to answer ‘yes’, you want to answer ‘it’s just temporary, don’t worry’ but you know it’s not. so while you keep telling yourself that it will fade, that it is just for now, you keep falling deeper.
then comes the time where the tears start spilling involuntarily, all the thoughts and emotions you so desperatly have been repressing suddenly overflow, they seep out of you brain and out of your eyes into your pillow at three am in the morning. you feel hopeless and your chest hurts, it’s tight and you can’t breathe and you ask yourself ‘why me? why now? why this?’ and then again the pain is oddly good. you feel overdramatic but it’s like massaging a sore muscle, soothing and painful at the same time. so you just give in, you just let go and let everything spill out until you feel empty and whole again. your eyes are swollen and your nose is red and you hope that no one will notice the next day. because you don’t do feelings, you never cry, you never fall in love.
except now you have and you feel like you are just learning how to walk. you stumble and trip constatly, you chave your knees and sprain your ankles, you crawl and you collapse. but at the end of the day, you have come forward just a little bit more. you have started to fall just a little slower.
and maybe, maybe one day they will see that you have learned to walk and maybe, maybe one day they will walk with you.
Falling, by Isa Radich, January 2017